Category Archive: bad mommy

the best laid plans

i scheduled two things today around a nap that doesn’t seem to be happening.

mommy eats lunch at restaurant with 15 month old son

the waiter said that it was the end of my waitress’ shift when i ordered, and she hadn’t put it in so my sandwich was free. yeah for me.

bad mommy

yesterday the baby had a checkup.  in the pediatricians office he was playing with a toy with serious baby focus, so i sat him in a chair.  at home he sits in a chair all the time watching television, no problem.  the doctor and i start talking and i look away for a nanosecond and there’s this horrible crashing sound.  of course, he’s fallen from the chair with the toy onto one of those giant metal scales which makes the loudest metal clanging noise.  thank god, he didn’t hurt himself.  he cried mostly becasue he was startled and stopped after a minute.

Great!  good job mommy.

he’s starting to crawl (read scoot)

it’s unnerving. he’s into everything. it’s like having a roomba that doesn’t clean and can pull things down upon him that could potentially kill him.

just to clear something up…

the baby’s stuff is not my stuff. it’s his stuff. when you say, “you’ve got all your stuff all over the place,” you really mean, “we’ve got all his stuff all over the place.”

make a note.


so the baby is getting big and apparently he also possesses some extra sensory perception that enables him to know when i get on the computer to start anything at all, just finish preparing myself something to eat, have hair balm on my hands, or really have to go to the bathroom.  it makes a momma just as crazy as it makes her proud.

so i know it’s probably not good mommy to say, but i’m sure happy that we had a boy.  the dressing him up has been amazing.  now, it is true that i dress him very similarly to how i dress myself and maybe because i’m a girl (woman, lady, what have you), one might think that would mean that i’m dressing him like a little girl and he’s bound to end up a serial killer with some sexual sadist bend who kills women that remind him of me to avenge his masculinity, but you’d be wrong (hopefully).  i actually dress more like a male english professor than i care to believe, even as i have been trying to make purchases that are a tad more feminine.  so, he has been dressing like a little english professor or maybe just my t.a. it is surprising to me how much i enjoy the process and i have been truly have been having a ball dressing him for all our little outings.  he’s all layered and wearing tiny baby sweaters and scarves in plaid and corduroy.  it’s downright adorable.  every time i set out a little outfit, i ask myself, “does this outfit make him look like he could co-star in a bing crosby film?  will he look like a baby that has been riding around in a convertible m.g.?”

i’m sure there are a lot of outfits out there for little girls, too.  i want to make that note, because if i have a girl one day, i wouldn’t want her to look back at this and think that she’s a disappointment, and i know that both my mother and my mother-in-law were hoping for a girl so that they could go crazy wild on the lace bibbed dresses and patent leather mary janes, and for them i feel bad, but girl clothes are all far too sweet, and there’s no “oh my god, look at how adorable those tiny little lace socks are” in my mind, because they only make lace socks in tiny sizes.  adults don’t wear them.  it like ooh-ing and ahh-ing over regular sized furniture.  it’s the miniaturizing that makes them neat.

so, in conclusion, things are great.  he’s growing, he’s healthy, he’s distracting, he loves brunch and he’s a blast to dress up.  we are out on the town all the time showing off our natty outfits.  hopefully we’ll see you out there soon.

with so many hours to kill while the baby sleeps

you’d think i would be getting more done. my apartment is pretty clean, though i’ll be the first one to admit that it is only about 250 square feet.

omg, omg, omg, i have a baby

so (drum roll, please)

it’s a boy!

parker linden, born oct 21st at 5:57am, 6 lb. 11 oz, 20 1/2″

unfortunately, if you’re looking for online photos of him, it ain’t gonna happen, but i’d be more than happy to mail you photos galore, just send me an email.

so just a note on having a baby.

what the f—, dude!!!

why didn’t anyone tell me that this was going to be so unbelievably awful?  like, really?  not even a wink or a hint of irony in the “it’s not so bad”, “it’s pain you forget”, “it’s all worth it in the end”, and so on and so forth.

all i have to say to that, respectively is –

it is that bad.  it’s worse in fact.  and it doesn’t start to feel better for like a week.  and it hurts like no other sort of thing one could ever even begin to imagine in different ways throughout each and ever stage of the birth and the aftermath and there are many stages that are various and affect different areas in equally embarrassing and uncomfortable ways.

i wasn’t able to get the epidural, there wasn’t time, but i did get some of the pain medication and it wasn’t enough to make much difference, and i have to say to anyone considering a “natural” birth (a term i have some issue with to begin with) because of all this hippie bonding theory and pain equals appreciation b.s. – you’re retarded.  maybe that’s not a very popular or p.c. view, but f— that.  it’s awful and if you do it on purpose, then i guess you deserve what you get, but dude, if you’re sane and you think twice about it, take the meds, all you can, and make sure they know right off the bat, because it is possible to run out of time.

further, i have suspicions that there must be some darwinian secret pact that mothers make not to say just how horrible it’s going to be in order to perpetuate the species.  and it’s insane amazing what you learn about the birthing process after you go through it.  everyone who told you before don’t worry, is like, oh yeah, that’s right, i almost forgot that i couldn’t comfortably sit for a month after, that i could hardly walk 20 feet without wishing for death, that you’ll have less control over your body then your baby like your entire being is revolting against you for putting it through such a trauma.

i half expect that once i’m out and about again i’ll be abducted and when i come to i’ll be in a room with a bag over my head only to have it removed and find myself in a mason style altar room filled with candles and strollers and be inducted.  i’ll say what i have to to have my baby released safely, but let it be known now that if i ever say to you that it’s not that bad, i’m lying.  look for the wink closely, because i’m a terrible winker.  and if you ever have any questions, i’d be happy to answer them as descriptively as possible.

2.  i’m never going to f—ing forget.  it would be like forgetting what it was like to be hit in the face with a hammer.  honestly, if given the choice between the two today, i’d go with the hammer to the face.

and c. i’ll address to my son.  parker, you better be worth it.  you better put your poor senile mother into an amazing nursing home, one of those that creates the illusion of freedom with dances and parties and a cafeteria that looks like a oversized dining room and doesn’t smell like antiseptic.

and a note for communication:  if you want to see us and talk to us, we’re on skype.  if you go to you can download the program for free and even if you don’t have a mic or a camera, you can still see him.  we’re going to us it to star our “parker on-demand channel” once we return home.  just search for us under my name.